He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away. – Raymond Hull

It looks very likely as though I will be spending my Mother’s Day without my oldest child. Not only is he afraid we will argue, but he is upset still about the things I have said to him both in person, over the phone, and my last blog post. He also, apparently, has a problem with me blaming Erica – which I didn’t. People just misconstrued what I meant when I made my statements, and apparently he is catching hell from it via the grapevine of his girlfriends mother to his girlfriend to him. Why he thinks this should be my problem is beyond me. He is the dating a girl who on ¬†numerous occasions has spoken about how overbearing, overprotective, and helicopter her mother is. And yes, I let her vent on this because I had to deal with it myself. The moment they started dating her mother bombarded me with messages and randomly sent me messages like we were BFF’s. What his girlfriend neglects to realize is that she is exactly like her mom. While I tolerated it in the beginning it became bothersome the more I saw him secluding himself from the world. They seem like nice enough people, though…but just a conflict of personalities I guess.

With that said, please keep in mind that I have spent HUNDREDS of dollars since January alone on him and his girlfriend because #1 I want him to be happy and #2 inviting his girlfriend has been the ONLY way to get him to be involved. This included bowling, movies, birthday presents for her, valentines, and even a sleepover! So don’t anyone ever think I didn’t try.

What bothers me the most about my son is his desire to censor me. Really? Yes, this child asked me to delete my last post. Excuse me? First of all, I need an outlet. I’m allowed one. And I really don’t care who reads it. I am a lot of things, but I am not perfect. I am also not alone. There are plenty of other parents out there that are dealing with the teenage years, and some a lot less gracefully. His generation is all about sharing and oversharing. They share everything,,,pictures of their food, selfies, opinions. They are everywhere in the digital age. So the fact that he asked me to censor myself just pissed me off, because he should have KNOWN how tame and censored that post was. You see, I’m the keeper of his secrets. I know more than anyone about him. I know his lies. I know his truths. I’ve seen what he is capable of and what his weaknesses are. I could lay them all out for the world to see, but I don’t. Because after all he has put me through I love him.

Apparently one of his friends have come across this blog and called him a self-centered, egotistical something or other. To whoever said that, thank you. He needed to hear what I could never tell him. I, of course, got yelled at for it, but it is what it is. Fact is, whoever you are, you are right in your description. He has went so long without consequences to his actions and not having to think about anyone but himself that it is all that he knows. It is behavior learned from his grandparents as well. They do as they please thinking they are the end all, be all. I have tried to tell him that we miss him over and over, but it never mattered. Do you want to know the conditions of him having a cellphone that I spent $200 for and his monthly bill? One call or text per week. Did he fulfill his end of the bargain? No. He didn’t even care enough for that.

I’ve been told my countless lawyers it would take very little to bring him home. I’m in a five star school district. I’m in a great area. Stable. He has siblings here. Etc. I have allowed him to stay with his grandparents because it is what he wanted. He wanted to go to Warren. He wanted to be in MCROTC, and apparently he is starting to get scholarship offers. If I didn’t care I would rip it all away. And sometimes I think I should. If people knew the real him….

Even now, he’s so consumed in himself that he doesn’t want to come over on Mother’s Day weekend. And that’s fine. I’ll spend it with the two children who actually do love me and miss me. Children who don’t want to change me, run from me, ignore me.

I haven’t seen my son in a month.

I miss the boy I used to call my son.
And I’m afraid he is lost forever.

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